Oh Brother.

Crazy Aunt Karen and BJ go to the Big Brother set!

Back in August, Crazy Aunt Karen, on a total spontaneous whim, managed to grab a handful of VIP tickets to Big Brother. As her loyal sidekick (and thanks to an extremely understanding Hicks, who gave me a transcontinental hall pass), I offered to be her travel companion and driver. Through divine grace, we managed to find cheap airline tickets (out of Louisville, because CVG can't suck enough when it comes to airfare price-gouging) and headed off to Burbank the morning of the show. So, with a 7:30 a.m. flight out of Louisville, you can do the math and realize that we started our adventure at 3:00 a.m.

We must've been living right, because our trip out could not have been smoother (good thing, because we were on an impossibly tight schedule). In addition, we had to coordinate plans with a host of our MidseasonReplacement/TVgasm friends out there. Three of them accompanied us to the show (Dee [honeybunny], Ronnie [Flipit], and Denise [Bauer’s Sweetheart]). We met honeybunny and Bauer's for lunch and then met Flipit at the CBS lot...again, smooth as silk.

Once we arrived at the appropriate location for Big Brother, we had to get our mug shots taken (seriously), sign waiver forms, and then answer a questionnaire (asking about ourselves and which contestant we liked, etc.). Then we were stationed in a holding area with the rest of the studio audience (with a security guard who had MAJOR wedgie issues...honestly, there could have been a cat or a young child stuck up in there - trust me, it was vile). When it was time to go to the set, we were put into the special VIP line (again, thanks to Crazy Aunt Karen, who contacted CBS and asked them to make sure that we would get in, since we were coming all the way from Cincinnati just for this show). We were herded back to the lot where Big Brother is filmed, past writer bungalows and the set to CSI: NY (nice!). Then, in line (outside in the blazing sun), studio minions began the process of picking out the "pretty people." They said they were picking people according to their clothes. Whatever. We knew the score. As the camera-friendly folks paraded past us, we called upon our own hottie, Bauer’s, to put on her bright blue sweater and voila! We were called in instantly, rescuing us from the seering sun and thrusting us into the cool comfort of the air-conditioned studio.

Once inside, to our horror, we were split up. Bauer's (again, easy on the eye) was called to sit in a coveted aisle seat. I was standing right next to her when she was called and, in her wake, was asked to sit next to her. Crazy Aunt Karen, honeybunny and Flipit grabbed the seats in the back which actually clocked in the most camera time on the show. Suh-weet! In hindsight, it was probably a good thing, because our communication was limited to mouthing foul language, facial expressions and eye-rolls. Otherwise, we could have been booted for too much chatting and laughter.

Eric, the very engaging stage director, gave us the rules and regs of the show (no moving, all eyes on Julie - don't look at the camera, whatever you do, clap when directed). He chatted with the audience and dished a little about the houseguests, which was very entertaining and put everyone at ease. Then, the Chenbot emerged, with her entourage of makeup, hair and wardrobe people who were preening over her non-stop. Let me say that she is absolutely stunning (of course with makeup and hair people hanging off of her like remora, it kind of stands to reason). She has the shiniest. hair. ever. And the cutest figure (oh yeah, she's got the perfect amount of junk in her trunk). And the bling? OMG, she had a watch on that probably cost more than our house. It had about a million diamonds and it sparkled like the world's poshest disco ball. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that she was banging the head of CBS.

As the show started, the Chenbot stood in the aisle, right in front of Bauer's. She turned our way and whispered, "Who do you like, Ollie?" We all nodded yes. "What do you think of April?" We all groaned. "Yeah, I hear you."

Sidebar: The set is tiny, I mean miniscule. I've been on sets for commercial shoots before, and this was much smaller than those. The aisle floor was scuffed up terribly (and plainly visible on camera), and the fake flowers looked like they were from the '80s and were covered in dust. Really CBS, can't you have a stagehand run a Swiffer-Duster over the set? But, I digress.

Once the show started, it was all a blur. A glorious, fun blur. When the edited footage was aired (this is a live show, remember), we were allowed to watch on monitors. It was fun to watch with other BB fans, everyone groaning and laughing together. When Julie was on air, we were directed to remain totally silent and watch Julie without fail. It was surprising to me how much Julie needed to be directed. I mean, she's done this show hundreds of times. Doesn't she have it down pat by now? Evidently not. But hey, my charge was to keep my ass still in a chair, so who am I to judge?

We had the collective pleasure of watching April, the resident skank, get kicked out of the house. It was so weird to hear her come out through the door behind us (you could hear a stagehand unlock the door about a minute prior). And, as directed by Eric, we clapped and cheered politely for her, because that's the good sports we are, doggonit. She was surprisingly pleasant in her on-air interview with Julie. Then she was ushered out of the room for the remainder of the show.

Once the show was over, we were instructed to stay put because Julie was going to interview April for the Early Show (to be aired the next morning). Well, all I have to say is that it's a shame that only a minute or so of that interview actually aired, because the real deal was extremely entertaining. It was a 10 minute interview and the delusional crap that came out of April was unbelievable. Literally we, as the studio audience, could barely contain our groans, laughs and WTF? facial expressions. Oh man, she was so full of herself that it was clearly evident that she had a Vaseline grasp on reality. All I can say is, poor Ollie.

Once that interview wrapped, we were free to go. And in a total "Get Shorty" moment, instead of shuttling us through the door we came in, they literally opened one entire side of the building for us to wander out. Surreal.

Then it was off to dinner, where we had the extreme pleasure of hooking up with Ben (B-Side), Joe (J-Unit/Mokers), and Patti (brilliantmistake - who hiked a mile. In high-heeled boots. At night.) at El Coyote (no affilation with the Cincinnati restaurant, but just as tasty) for hours of laughter and stories galore. We had an awesome server who loved us because we ate and drank a lot, hated us because we wouldn't leave, and finally loved us once again because we tipped her generously for our staying waaaay beyond our welcome. At the end of the night, by which Crazy Aunt Karen and I were approached our 24th hour of being awake, Joe was nice enough to chaffeur us all back to our hotel. I was well past zombie by then. It wasn't pretty.

The next morning, after breakfast with honeybunny, Crazy Aunt Karen and I started our journey back to the Tri-State. We even managed to stop by my aunt's house in Newport Beach for a quick lunch. Bonus! And the rest of our trip, again, was as smooth as can be...ending with my head hitting my pillow at 2:00 a.m. - 47 hours later. It was a whirlwind Thelma and Louise adventure that I'd recommend to anyone who has the opportunity to just get up and go for it.